I have been a very good
old lady girl this year. Well if we’re not counting all the cheesies I ate and the cursing. And throwing that candle at the wall was an accident. Twice. But other than that, I have been very well behaved. Even pony-, or dare I say unicorn-, worthy. But that is not what I want for Christmas because I have enough things that poop around here, and let’s face it – a unicorn horn running around the house all willy-nilly would just undo all my heroic child-proofing efforts wouldn’t it? Please don’t leave any of your smelly delightful reindeer behind when you visit either.
While we are on the topic of the reindeer, could you be a dear (not the animal – but rather a sweetheart – forgive me if you understood that – I’m not sure how your spelling and grammar are considering you mostly correspond with children, and write judgmental lists) and check to see if the roofers ever came back to fix the shingles while you are up on the roof? If they have not, then please place them on your naughty list and deliver a load of coal and a family of skunks down their chimneys on your way by.
My children have written some lengthy letters to you, filled with items that their hearts desire. If these lists include anything with more than 3 pieces, glitter, or a doll that requires us to invest in diapers again please burn the letters and forget you ever read them. In their place, I have some suggestions:
I heard that one lady got 8 of them, so surely I can have just one. And she doesn’t even need to be a-milking. A-dusting and a-vacuuming will do just fine.
I know for a fact that my children would all be on board with this request, and I feel quite confident that they would enjoy not shouting out “Will there be a fire?” the way they did tonight when I was browning the ground beef. I have the only children who do not like take-out and squeal with joy “Is it from scratch?” with disbelief in their voices when they can’t find evidence of a box from the freezer. Please perform a Christmas miracle!
A TV that I Can Use
I’m sure you’re well aware of Nerdguy and his Honey I Shrunk the Kids ways. You’ve seen the struggles that I have just trying to turn the lights on in my own home. Perhaps you have had trouble with the doorbell/intercom when you found the chimney full of raccoons on Christmas Eve. And I am sure you know that he made a PVR out of a jerry-rigged xbox, because that’s clearly infringing on your toy-making territory. Well it’s impossible to work and all I want to do is watch my damned Modern Family. Is that so much to ask? I’ll leave a few extra cookies and a bottle of “eggnog” out for you if you install it for me too.
A Sweet Ride
My minivan is 10 years old and is aging as gracefully as I am. At this point it is held together by a paste made up of the contents of leaked yogurt tubes, crushed cheerios, and dunkaroo icing. Something with the words “Stow ‘n Go” in the description would make you my favourite
old man distinguished gentleman.
A New Patio
You’ve seen the dismal state of my deck. Maybe have a few of your elves swing by and cobble together a patio for me. Tell them to wear those suits like the police canine unit wear when they train the dogs – the raccoons are biters.
Just in case your workshop has branched out and modernized, or maybe has a little “side business” going to raise a little extra cash in these tough economic times – feel free to fill my stocking with whatever you think will bring my sanity back – white pills, blue pills, purse-wine – I’ll leave that choice up to you. Christmas is all about surprises after all.
As the maid is not here as of yet, I need to cut this letter short so that I may attend to my chores. Have safe travels on the big night, and remember not to park on the deck. I will be sure to leave a box of Girl Guide cookies out for you because
we couldn’t unload the rest of the bloody case I know they are your favourite.
Merry Christmas and please give my best to Mrs. Claus. And help her out around the house for once or you’re going to find she makes some adjustments on that sleigh of yours. Just because she is a homemaker doesn’t mean you can leave your dirty underwear all over the floor!!!
This first appeared on Don’t Lick the Deck.