It’s pretty widely known that Halloween is right up there on my list of annual things I hate, that I just have to “get through,” along with invasive gynaecological procedures and wasp season. So I won’t insult your intelligence by pretending to be all cool with a holiday that mocks my lack of sewing abilities, and simultaneously taunts me with party store costumes that would barely fit on a Polly Pocket doll, while tempting me with bags of “fun size” self-loathing. And I am allergic to jack-o-lanterns. How’s that for a kick in the crotch? Which, incidentally, you would have a full view of if I ever actually wore any of the commercially available costumes. I’m pretty sure if the nurse is already “showing you hers” when you walk into a clinic, you should be asking a lot of questions before you climb into those stirrups.
Luckily for me, my kids have gotten pretty good at handling their costumes with minimal assistance from me. Mostly due to the fact that I am grumpy and unreliable. Molly completely made hers with things from home, with the exception of a wig that she coloured to look how she wanted it to. Grace used clothes she had, plus we altered an old T-shirt of mine. I did end up sewing it in place because I didn’t want her to stab herself with pins, and she needed it in a rush for a party early in the month. But that was enough sewing for me for the year…I was going to be cast as a maid on Downton Abbey if I sat there for much longer, and since I can’t start a fire or mind my own business, I don’t think I would be very successful in that role.
Maggie insisted she wanted to be a purple princess. It took a few days before I clued in as to why she was being so specific. She wanted to be Dora, which became clear when she described the hat. That’s when I had the flashback to last year of the text from her EA who described the chase scene on the playground. She managed to stop Maggie just in time before she pounced on the unsuspecting kindergartener, dressed exactly like Dora, and shook her until she told her where Boots was.
I waited to pull the costume together because she has a habit of changing her mind at the last moment, in a fun little game of “PSYCH!” which truly is the worst horror show of the season. You think I don’t do Halloween well in general…imagine how composed I am in a last-minute scramble. There’s sweat, cursing, and designing of my tombstone, for when the whole holiday finally kills me.
Luckily there are no graveyards needed this year (seriously…please no terrifying graveyards on your lawn…I’m a huge chicken, and my bladder ain’t what it used to be.)
This morning we sent a Mad Scientist, Piglet, and a Princess off to school to
terrorize their teachers learn long division.
Nerdguy has official pumpkin assistance duty the past few years, and last night they carved a rat (Molly’s), Lulu the baby panda from Netflix’s Word Party (Maggie’s), and a pig (Grace’s). I’m not sure if it’s a generic pig, Peppa, Piglet, or Esther the Wonder Pig, but it’s super-cute.
No actual animals were carved, despite my previous ambiguous sentence, which makes it sound like we had a horrifying dinner. Well, our dinner was horrifying, but it was not rat, panda and pig.
I usually throw on my cape and tiara to lead them around the neighbourhood, but I’ve been de-throned by Maggie, so it’s a toss-up between a city bylaw officer or a tailless raccoon. One will probably get me a fine, and the other seems unwise with the coyote that’s wandering the neighbourhood. Actually, sending Grace to walk to school dressed as a pig sounds like something I should have thought through more too. Or is only wolves that harass pigs and test the structural soundness of their homes on an arbitrary basis? Wait…this is sounding more like my other costume.
Here are some show ideas to keep the little trick-or-treaters busy between shouts of “Is it time to GO yet?” after school.
Have a great Halloween, and remember to check the candy and charge a hefty processing fee.
Disclosure: I am a member of Netflix’s Stream Team and I receive compensation in exchange for writing about our experiences.