You Can’t Handle the Truth (oh wait – that’s me)

We’re two thirds of the way through NaBloPoMo and so far I have kept the commitment of writing a post a day for my site.  It hasn’t always been easy – there have been many nights that I am just sneaking the post up in the final hour of the day, when all I really want to do at that time is sleep.  Some nights I am not sure what to write about and feel like I have to force myself to come up with something.  But sometimes those were the best posts – 40 Things About Me Before I Turn 40 was one of my favourites.

I have enjoyed being able to write without feeling guilty about it.  Too often I feel like I should be cleaning or cooking or shopping, and I feel like writing should only happen after all of the household responsibilities have been handled.  And we all know the timing of when a mom’s to do list becomes empty – it’s approximately a quarter past never. Not much point having a blog that only gets written in when the comet passes through.  So it’s been nice to be able to say “Oh I would totally scrub that floor tonight except I’ve got that deadline I have to meet.  Such a shame.”  I just have to work on my convincing delivery that I am disappointed about not being able to do more housework.
Today though is a different story.  Today was a hard day with one of the kids.  There was loud primal sobbing after finally getting the kids to school and myself back to the safety of my house.  Nerdguy was on the phone in a meeting one floor down and thought a cat was dying in our living room.  Today sucked.  Today we had an appointment with the pediatrician to discuss progress on the new med.  I find those appointments completely draining.  Add that to the morning sob-fest, and I’ve been feeling pretty low today.
Writing is hard when I am sad.  Writing the truth about all my feelings is easy.  If other people weren’t going to read my truth, that is.  People often comment on my honesty and how they appreciate it, but what they don’t know is that what I write is only a sliver of the truth of my reality.  It’s all true – but it isn’t the whole truth.  Because the whole truth can be ugly, and can’t be taken back once it’s written down.  So this is a filtered truth of our life with autism.
Here we are closing in on midnight again and I haven’t hit publish.  I did have a mini nap in my chair at the dining room table however, and Nerdguy is laughing at me for waking up and immediately getting back to typing.  So I will head to bed for a proper rest and hope that tomorrow is an easier day without quite so much truth to it.

Comments

  1. says

    I love this post. It IS hard to write when you’re sad but that’s when I turn off the computer & hit the journal (long hand, old skool writing). That’s where I write for my eyes only. xo

    • says

      Thanks Pam! That’s a good idea – I think I need to do more writing just for me, and only decide where it fits after I have written it. As for handwriting – I can barely sign my name anymore, so I’ll stick to the keyboard!

  2. says

    First up – you are awesome and we love you no matter what kind of day you have had….well, maybe we love you more on the crappy days. Just tell it like it is, sister. This is your home on the internet and you don’t need to keep it tidy on our behalf. Just invite us over for a glass of wine from time and time and we promise never to complain!

  3. says

    Just remember, there are many (bazillions even) people out there who got dealt a challenging hand in life. Many of them (gazillions) never work half as hard to cope with it as you do. Their truth is that they laid down and let it run over them, you did not. You go to the Doctor, you try new things, advocate for your baby, and you brave going to Pizza Hut. You rock girl, and you are allowed to feel bad, cry and want things to get better. There is no shame in that, and your truth – even a sliver of it, helps others.

  4. says

    When I started my blog, I didn’t tell anyone about it. I happened to get outted by a friend, and had to share with my family. I am certain it changed the way I started writing. And now, a few years later, I am sick of responses via email from certain relatives on every single entry… that I basically have turned to only posting pictures with brief stories.
    Keep up your honesty – even if it is only a sliver of your whole life. Use it for yourself. Let this be more for you to write than for us to read. We’ll benefit from reading, but hopefully, you will benefit so much more.

  5. says

    Oh Tara, thank you for this post. On my blog, I tend to wait out the bad feeling adn try and make something positive out of it… and that’s so not like me at all- although I am a rather cheerful person. You do rock, Tara. You really really do. Write however you want. On your blog or in a journal. Your choice if you need to write something.Good luck with NaBloPoMo- I am also participating and loving it! Please know that you’re not alone. This can get hard but you’re amazing even if (or just because of) you’re tired and human and just want to sleep. Sending warm hugs from The Netherlands!

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