We’re two thirds of the way through NaBloPoMo and so far I have kept the commitment of writing a post a day for my site. It hasn’t always been easy – there have been many nights that I am just sneaking the post up in the final hour of the day, when all I really want to do at that time is sleep. Some nights I am not sure what to write about and feel like I have to force myself to come up with something. But sometimes those were the best posts – 40 Things About Me Before I Turn 40 was one of my favourites.
I have enjoyed being able to write without feeling guilty about it. Too often I feel like I should be cleaning or cooking or shopping, and I feel like writing should only happen after all of the household responsibilities have been handled. And we all know the timing of when a mom’s to do list becomes empty – it’s approximately a quarter past never. Not much point having a blog that only gets written in when the comet passes through. So it’s been nice to be able to say “Oh I would totally scrub that floor tonight except I’ve got that deadline I have to meet. Such a shame.” I just have to work on my convincing delivery that I am disappointed about not being able to do more housework.
Today though is a different story. Today was a hard day with one of the kids. There was loud primal sobbing after finally getting the kids to school and myself back to the safety of my house. Nerdguy was on the phone in a meeting one floor down and thought a cat was dying in our living room. Today sucked. Today we had an appointment with the pediatrician to discuss progress on the new med. I find those appointments completely draining. Add that to the morning sob-fest, and I’ve been feeling pretty low today.
Writing is hard when I am sad. Writing the truth about all my feelings is easy. If other people weren’t going to read my truth, that is. People often comment on my honesty and how they appreciate it, but what they don’t know is that what I write is only a sliver of the truth of my reality. It’s all true – but it isn’t the whole truth. Because the whole truth can be ugly, and can’t be taken back once it’s written down. So this is a filtered truth of our life with autism.
Here we are closing in on midnight again and I haven’t hit publish. I did have a mini nap in my chair at the dining room table however, and Nerdguy is laughing at me for waking up and immediately getting back to typing. So I will head to bed for a proper rest and hope that tomorrow is an easier day without quite so much truth to it.