Shameful Shopping

When you go shopping for ummmm….let’s say….delicate items…do you feel all awkward, and the need to arrange the items on the conveyor belt with the same calculated precision of a real estate stager?  Or are you the type who doesn’t care what the cashier or the six people in line behind you at checkout 7 think of your perfectly natural purchases?

Take a wild guess at what kind of shopper I am?

Just in case you are confused, I will remind you that although I let it all hang out here, I don’t have to make eye contact with any of you at this exact moment.  And this is why you have all been instructed not to mention the embarrassing things that I reveal on here directly to my bright red face.  It gets awkward with all the pinching of myself that I will be doing while I pray that it’s all a nightmare that I am going to promptly wake up from.  Like when you are having one of those ‘naked at the office dreams’  Please tell me you have those too.  And then when I realize how horrifyingly awake we both are, I will faint, you’ll have to call EMS, and it will be a whole chunk of our day taken up with paperwork and threatening gestures.

Surprisingly I have actually worked my way up to be able to buy feminine products without wanting to die.  IF they are mixed in among my other groceries that is.  I consider myself fairly evolved then when compared with our old nanny who used to freak out just having to watch me carry the 30 roll pack of toilet paper into the house.  Am I supposed to be bashful about toilet paper???

It’s game over though if I am sent to buy any product that may make people believe that I have any kind of digestive issue; have had or intend to have sex; or have contracted a fungal condition of any description.  To make any of those purchases I need an airtight strategy (which may include driving 3 towns over), a disguise, and a mild sedative.

Now my plan all falls apart when I shop somewhere like Costco and I buy  the entire store a number of items.  I don’t always get the items arranged strategically on the conveyor belt, and a somewhat embarrassing purchase like this:

Ends up being right next to this:

The restoralax is not mine.  I’m holding it for a friend.  Or one of my children.

Two toilet brushes with 2 additional replacement brushes, along with not just one bottle of stool softener but also a bonus TRAVEL package…it paints a picture that trouble is brewing doesn’t it?  And why would I need travel packs AND multiple toilet brushes…now people are thinking that I am the kind of twisted individual who brings their own toilet brushes on vacation!

But a normal person wouldn’t even notice these things would they?  Let alone think about it for a day?  Or twelve?

A normal person also doesn’t answer their door looking like this either:

I hear raccoon eyes are all the rage this year.  Nailed it.

It’s a good thing I’m not normal, because then what would I write about?