I’m not going to lie. My weekend was weird.
It started with Friday night’s snowstorm that felt like it came out of nowhere, and wrecked havoc on the roads around here. Cars scattered everywhere. Trucks unable to climb hills. My children sledding down my front lawn. Maggie magically agreeing to wear every piece of outdoor clothing known to man. Me forgetting to pick up the poinsettias that I ordered.
I semi-fried my iPhone with a snowflake. It’s dried out now, but for a day or so, the speakers didn’t work, and it kept giving me a message about not being compatible with this accessory.
I wasn’t using an accessory.
On Saturday I finally got my skunk stripe coloured. And that means I got the roots on my head coloured…just in case skunk stripe is some new dirty code for lady parts of any kind. I can’t keep up with the vernacular anymore, and you can never be too careful about throwing out a double entendre.
In the afternoon I dragged all of the Christmas decorations out from under the stairs, and we put the tree up. We got a pre-lit one two years ago, which is awesome. Except when it takes a computer engineer and an accountant 90 minutes to figure out what order in which to connect the lights. There was a distinct moment when I had my face buried in the tree, looking for plugs (I’m beginning to think this whole blog is dirty) that I fully expected a squirrel to fly out of the tree and onto my head. My artificial tree. I have clearly watched Christmas Vacation a few too many times.
This whole process took just long enough that the kids all went into meltdown mode. They had been cranky all weekend. And now I was cranky.
And then I cancelled Christmas.
Which they are probably taking less seriously since we took them to my Mother In Law’s community Christmas party the next day. Mixed messages and all.
It is a whole other post that I will write later, but as I posted on Facebook, a clown called me a liar. And made me cry. We also met my MIL’s friend. I think he is Santa. I should have had him tell the kids that Christmas is cancelled. “Yes kids…thanks to your poor choices, Christmas is cancelled, and I found myself with extra time on my hands. So I am playing the field, and you kids get to sweep up after Rudolf.”
When we got home from our visit, on my seven thousandth trip into the house with the baggage of my mini-entourage, I realized I had been walking right past a giant brown spider. It was the size of a child’s hand, and suspended right at my face level. Take a moment to process that. I came this close to have a spider that you could strap a harness and leash onto ON MY FACE.
A small spider dropped from the ceiling in front of my face on Friday, when I was making the food for the kids’ snack program at their school. I made a small scene. I told the rest of the women that if they weren’t going to get the spider, I was going to have to go and pull my daughter out of class to kill it. Why was no one running over to kill it? I obviously have to suggest that they get better crisis management training. A spider emergency and they just stood there. Did anyone even do a background check on these people?
So you can imagine how I reacted to the spider monster yesterday. Not well. There was screaming. And mention of a hotel. But I didn’t threaten to burn the tree down. I think the counselling is working.