Camping Truths

We went camping last week, and I learned some things.  None of those things were how to build a fire, or survival skills of any kind, so I won’t be earning any badges.  Unless there is a badge for sarcastic observations.  I could make a whole coat out of those badges.

Our backyard has more raccoons than the campground.  Didn’t see a single one the whole trip.

A forgotten snack in our yard is like an invitation to a raccoon rave, but the lazy family down the way can leave 3 full garbage bags in the field across from their site all night, and they won’t even be knocked over by morning.

When going to the bathroom during the night involves putting on shoes and a sweater and taking a terrifying  5 minute walk down a dark pathway, I will need to go twice during the night.  When it involves walking 5 feet into my well-lit ensuite at home, I will sleep through the night.

At home, when we have functioning doors, locks, and real windows we will use more security measures than the National Guard.  When we are sleeping in a yurt in the forest, surrounded by drifters strangers, we are strangely okay with the protection of a thin layer of canvas, and windows with screens that are attached by Velcro.

Our yurt for the week.  I wanted a moat and a dragon around it, but I was overruled.  Something about the fire from the dragon melting the canvas or something.

Camping is a relaxing getaway for the parents who send their poorly-behaved children to play at everyone else’s campsite every day, while they sit and read.

Related:  parents who want to pretend they can’t hear you telling their children to stop breaking our toys can remain surprisingly still in a lawn chair.  I thought we had a Weekend at Bernie’s situation on our hands at first.

Also related:  People, who are not actually dead, react fairly negatively to being poked by a marshmallow stick.

It is difficult to pretend you are not home when your house is made of fabric.

A child with car-sickness will without fail be sick 5 minutes before we reach our destination.  No matter how far away it is.

It is possible to include bacon in every meal.  And I will eat 9 times as much of it when I am outdoors.

One should always check all 4 sides of the comfort station.  This is how you find out that there are 4 additional showers, and a family bathroom, and you don’t need to line up outside of the lone shower on the side where the washroom is.  Your husband will laugh at you when you discover it on the 6th day as you are preparing to leave.  You will feel compelled to take a picture of the showers.  The person coming out of the shower while you are holding your camera up will notify security.

“Huh.  When during the week did they build this side of the building?”

When a child refuses to come out of the tent for marshmallows, roast one for them anyway.  They will ask for marshmallows 5 minutes after you put the supplies away.

Never, under any circumstance, try to see how far the river stretches on a one hour canoe rental, with the wind at your back.

If you pack only clothes for hot weather, it will be cold.  If you pack only clothes for cold weather, it will be hot.  If you pack all of the clothes, for all of the people…you will need 2 vans to get there.


    • says

      I think my husband was just cooking lots of bacon to keep me from peeling out of there and heading for the nearest hotel. Well, not the nearest looked sketchy, but the nearest 5 star hotel anyway. I noticed that my enjoyment of the camping experience increased with each additional day of bacon in my system. Or I just lost the will to fight. Thanks for commenting!

    • says

      Camping is only loved by the people who do none of the work. To me it is all of my regular chores, but done Pioneer-style and with bugs. No thank you. My problem is that I forget. Next year I am reading this first as a reminder. Thank you so much for sharing this with your followers…you are awesome!!!

  1. says

    I too am more of a concrete kinda gal. Only went camping when our boys were little because I was guilted into it…by my husband. Oish. I did enjoy my Bailey’s and coffee nightcap as long as it was before 9. ;P Hated those dreaded hikes to the bathroom in the middle of the night. AUGH!

    I agree with Jessica…you are HILARIOUS!! =D

  2. says

    I don’t mind camping, but my kids would hate it. They’re terrified of bugs. And noises when they’re trying to sleep. And sleeping outside. And not having proper doors. And…. No. No anxiety here. Why do you ask?

    • says

      lol I am surprised that my kids survived the week, because at home 2 of them barricaded themselves in their room last night when a wasp got in the house. The one with the wasp allergy stayed at the table. And the sounds they hear kill me. I think it’s all the imaginary sounds that block out the actual sound of my voice telling them what to do. Thanks for commenting!

  3. says

    We had that same issue with raccoons at our home in Washington. I spent much time domesticating them so they’d eat out of my hand and perform tricks, and then my husband made me move. I bet our renters don’t even clap for them.

    • says

      Awww, thank you! Nothing better than bacony love! Nice to meet you! And snarktastic may just be the best word ever. Welcome inside my head. The emergency exits are to the left and right. They don’t work. You’re trapped. But there is bacon.

  4. says

    This is fantastic! And we have major big problems with raccoons as well. Last summer we found two raccoons dead in our garbage cans on two separate occasions within a week. It was freaky.

    • says

      OMG I would be dead in the can right alongside the raccoons if that happened here! I found a dead mouse in our recycling bin and tried to brick the door shut from inside the house. I can’t even imagine. When I wake up screaming tonight, I’m calling you! Thanks for commenting…now I know it could be worse!

  5. says

    This is absolutely hilarious – though I love camping with our kids…..I also enjoyed your sarcastic observations. Oh how I miss the days of sitting on a cooler around a campfire with nothing but fellow drunkards keeping me company. Everything was a lot funnier then.

  6. says

    We went camping recently with my nephew’s girlfriend. Her family has a house in Costa Rica (yeah, they’re THOSE kind of people)… When she asked her mother for permission to come on the trip her mother replied “Why on earth would you want to go somewhere where you have LESS than what you have at home!?” Her mother has a point.

  7. says

    This is hilarious and further proof that I never need to go camping. I’m sharing this now so none of my friends want to camp either. With me.

  8. says

    Where did you go that has yurts available?? I actually love camping – I know, I don’t know what’s wrong with me either – but I hate tents. Something with an actual floor seems like a much better option.

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